I'm A FAT Girl
I'm Fat.
I've always been fat. I remember kids teasing me in kindergarten because I couldn't fit into the play house that was in our classroom. The thing is, I never tried, so how would they know? I was always too scared to go in there because they kept saying I'd get stuck. Of course, I should have done it to prove them wrong, but you try telling my 5 year old self that.
My body just kept getting fatter and fatter as I got older. And the irony is that I didn't eat poorly and I was exercising as much as an active 10 year old could. But the fat just kept piling on. The teasing and hurtful words never stopped, either. Once when I was in fifth grade, a 'popular' girl pretended to be my friend just so she could 'borrow' my brand new neon jelly bracelets. Needless to say, I never saw her, or the bracelets, again.
When I got to college, I became the Fat Girl everyone loved to hate. The people who didn't like me didn't even know me. I believe they didn't even know my name. But they loved to hate me and tease me because I was fat. They didn't want to sit next to me in class. No one wanted to pair up with me to work on projects. They couldn't get past what they saw in front of them in order to see what I'm all about. And I didn't lose my virginity until I was 21, drunk, and knew the guy wouldn't talk to me when it was all said and done. It hurt for a long time, but then I decided to ignore it. That was a big mistake.
By ignoring these jerks who called me "two ton tessy", "lard-ass", and "fat pig" (among others), I didn't become this awesomely powerful woman you are probably expecting. Instead, I took refuge in food. Instead of sticking up for myself, I'd drown myself in a pint of Chubby Hubby. Instead of speaking out against sizeism, I'd opt to sit on the couch and eat a whole pizza. Food was comforting and didn't call me names. So I'd much rather spend my time with a bag of tortilla chips than with people.
The story doesn't get any happier, people. If you're looking for a "Here's my life story about how I was once a Fatty and now I'm not!", you should move on. It's been 10 years since I graduated college, and not much has changed. The only real difference is that I'm married. Yeah! This Fat Girl found a man! But that story isn't all it's cracked up to be, either.
So stick around and read on, if you wish. I'm not looking for a pity party, either. I'm mostly writing this in hopes that one day, someday, I'll overcome my addiction to food and my inability to stop filling my life with shit I don't need.
I'm not expecting much, since my only real accomplishments are the ones I can eat.
posted by Hey! Fat Girl! @ Saturday, March 18, 2006
6 Comments:
Hi. I came here via Mo's blog.
Thing is, I DID get in and out of the playhouse trying to prove I could do what the skinny girls do, and I've suffered several musculo-skeletal ashtanga -yoga related injuries as a result over the years.
(Not because I'm bigger than the other girls, I don't think - I think it's because I overestimated my strength trying to prove stuff to other people. There's some moral in there somewhere, but I don't know what it is right now.)
The GOOD news is that, bashed as we are by skinny girl/buff boy images in the media, I've been reading a lot lately about how EVEN A LOT OF THE STARS - EVEN WITH TRAINERS - pork up and/or get soft between films.
(And I'm not just talking about Kirstie and Janet, I'm talking about really skinny girls and buff boys.)
And I don't think that means stopping trying to deal with one's addiction (BTW, if you're trying to kick something, I did a LOT better once I cut out the simple carbs; don't tell Mo but it means NO pie - and I think that in turn means finding things to replace that rush - cashmere yarn for your craft projects; the exact computer you want; having the chef in the restaurant fix your fish EXACTLY the way you want it - it's a thought shift) -- but I DO think it means that if you're trying to change what you eat or get in shape, that it's MUCH MUCH MUCH HARDER THAN YOU THINK - even some rich buff people with someone howling at them and $5 million in incentives literally CAN'T do it all the time - and not only should you not beat the psychological crap out of yourself when you don't do as well as you want, but you should tell yourself you're doing a REALLY REALLY REALLY good job on the days that you succeed.
Whew. Long post.
Nice to meet you.
Hi! It's nice to meet you, too!
Don't worry about posting long comments. I encourage it.
The struggle for me has been INSANELY hard. I give up all the time. I just can't do it. I don't know how to make that change from negative to positive. I hope to learn from people who visit here. So tell everyone about my blog!
Again, thanks for stopping by!
Found my way here through Mo, as well.
Reading this post I kept thinking Hey! That happened to me too! Who is this person? Did they steal my journals?
I look forward to reading your blog, as I'll definitely be coming back for more.
Hi. My name is Esther and I just wanted to say I'm looking forward to reading more about your life and all the daily happenings going on in it. You seem like a really cool person.
^.^
Esther
Hi,
I just discovered your blog via Fatty Mcblog, when I clicked on your nickname and got to your site. Your blog is awesome. You are so honest and forthright. Believe me, that is the healthiest way to be. You are a very cool person. I will stop by often.
you must be so strong. I'm 100 pounds and most days i feel too fat to be seen. came here through fatty mcblog, and i love ur blog already. you sound awesome.
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